I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to write.
Probably a good amount of laziness. A little bit of shyness/fear perhaps. And maybe a little bit of just being busy and tired…though I hate using that line because (and I agree with this) they say if you care about something enough you will always find time. Yup.
Anyways, as I sit here, filled with fluids and foodstuffs….I’ve realized that, above all, I haven’t written because I’ve envisioned this whole thing to be something more grandiose than it should (or could ever) be. I haven’t written because I want this to be eclectic, and eloquent, and enlightening.
Realization: That’s silly.
Who am I trying to pretend to be? Shakespeare? (Nope) Am I trying to impress someone? (Nah) Isn’t the idea of this whole blogging thing to be a window into my experience and not some rehearsed and overly doctored (heh) record? (Heck no). This is just an insignificant blog that barely anyone will read, let alone judge.
So just say it.
As such I’ve decided to shoot from the hip more. To just say whatever it is that is occupying my mind. I’m full right now. The opposite of hungry. I’m also halfway through my PGY-3 year. I also want everyone to know I typed PGY-2 initially and just deleted it. That’s how much I’ve lost track of time (and how irrelevant/muddled these middle years are in the grand scheme of a 7 year residency).
On that note, I have to say that something depressing that has begun to happen are classmates of mine looking for grownup doctor jobs or getting into fellowships. I feel like I should be a real doctor by now but I’m not even halfway through my residency. Woohoo. Why am I still a baby doctor?
And now I’m starting to realize another big internal reason why I haven’t written…and that’s because it’s hard for me to not vent about something on here. I hate that. I hate hate hate that. No one wants to read about someones repetitive complaints; especially when they’re self-inflicted (and now I’m thinking about all the people who cautioned me against Neurosurgery).
The bottom line is I just want to be done. Done so I can finally start life. Something that becomes apparent quickly in Residency is time/mortality. Not just with patients (obvi) but with yourself and with your loved ones. Something that tears at my daily is wanting to give back to my parents. For as long as I can remember, a driving goal of mine has been to provide for them and be independent and just be “grown up”. If I had chosen a different specialty I would be finishing this year so that I can start being there for my family. If, if, if. I hate those too. Oh well.
I often feel guilty and selfish for having chosen Neurosurgery. I chose it because I felt that I could spare/sacrifice 7 years of my life. The thing is…years of my life aren’t independent from others. This is not to say I’m an overly important person (not at all) but that others who care for me (for whatever odd reason) are often right there sacrificing with me. Parents. Brother. Now, fiancé and poodle as well. Sucks.
Time and family. You can’t help but think about those things on a day like today. I’m still hopeful that this will be worth it in the end, but admittedly I’m not sure. How can I be until I actually get there? For now it’s one day at a time and another working holiday at a time. Being/talking/thinking about the ones I love, however, reminds me who I am doing this for…..and who has been with me through this all along.
Now I’m hungry.